Today, I’m going to discuss a very important concept that will change the way you view interactions FOREVER! It’s called “Becoming A Man Of Value To The World”
A simple definition of value is having what others desire. Think of a stock like GOOG, the latest hit. When the bid goes up, the value increases; people are willing to pay more. Other things of high value are gold, property in California, Roll Royce’s and Windows XP (Service Pack 2). GQ summed this all up pretty nicely in an article called Why Do Women Prefer Rock Stars.
However, this is the simple view of value. The true value someone wants, when materialism and influence is away, is just pure Happiness and Bliss (and I hope you agree). In other words, whatever gives you Joy is valuable. As a corollary, if you can make someone happy/blissful/joyful on some level, you are of value.
One cannot buy happiness with money because, for the most part, you do not choose what makes you happy. No one chose that warm beds makes us happy (or comfortable), it’s just obvious to us. We didn’t buy the desire for a warm bed, it is just human nature—evolution makes us want a warm shelter. However, money buys us warmth, bedding, and shelter. So, it is not the cause, but the effect we care about.
Value usually works like an exchange system. When I give value (money) to someone, they give me other value (product). When I offer a woman what she wants (security, love, romance) she gives me what I want (relationship, intimacy, pleasure).
But really, this occurs on all levels, from the deep subconscious of our minds, to the basis of the bartering system. Remember, as I defined it value is what causes another to be happy.
Now what does it mean to “give value”? I’ll discuss that in detail on the next page.
The 4 Archetypes
1. The Nice Guy
2. The Jerk
3. The Aloof
The Nice Guy
What kind of value does the “Nice Guy” give? The nice guy, as I see it, is the fellow who buys a girl dinner, takes her home, and doesn’t make a move until he literally see a green light—the girl has to personally buy a traffic light and smack him in the face with it.
Now, what does the nice guy want? Why does the nice guy put up with the women leading courtship, having him buy the dinner and for the most part, be the provider? Something like this (FHM).
The nice guy is giving value, true, but he is subconsciously secretly planning to exchange value the woman doesn’t want to give. In other words, the man is buying the expensive dinners and being overly nice, hoping in exchange the girl will give him sex and love.
To give a loose analogy, have you ever sat in your car and a bum out of nowhere started to wash your window? The bum wants money for the exchange, even though you don’t really want to give up any money. To weigh out this analogy, think of the bum washing your window with the Nice Guy buying dinners—then think of you, the driver, feeling guilty about whether or not he will give the bum money.
The nice guy who thinks money will buy him happiness (i.e., women’s approval) is really just buying a stairway to heaven. The trick is we have to give value the woman actually wants— think, does a woman really want expensive dinners, or does she just want the piece of mind that she has a man under her thumb?
I argue that women, for the most part, want a strong man who leads them and protects them. The nice guy is giving value, but he is not getting what he wants in the exchange— there is no happiness in the equation, so I claim what the nice guy (and some woman) are doing is some sort of conscious/unconscious manipulation.
The Jerk, as I see it, is the guy who does not care about the girl’s opinions and input, insults her or discounts what she says, and escalates at his own pace without caring how the woman is feeling. So in one sentence, the jerk takes value from the girl and consciously gives none back—he may offer security as value, and maybe good sex, but other than that, nothing he purposefully offers.
Let’s break this down one more step. The jerk is happy when he abuses the girl (thus he takes value at the girl’s expense). Now what does the girl get?
There are women, who love jerks, and it is my belief women who love jerks feel they do not deserve value and they may be masochistic—I know, this is taking a leap, but it makes sense to me and more often than not, it seems right. I know this is debatable, but again, this is how I have come to understand value in the world as of now.
Just to note, a person who is masochistic gets value (i.e., happiness) from pain.
**Let us assume we are talking about non-masochistic girls who don’t need jerks**
I must again clarify—and I will be clarifying a lot as this topic of human nature has so many loop—women do not want a complete, non-jerk, pussy for a guy. What this means exactly, I will explain later, as I go deeper into the value of a Real F****** Man (The RFM)
The aloof guy is nice, but takes value in that he needs the girl to chase him. If the girl is not chasing, he is gone. Perhaps they will be on a date, it will be very interesting and filled with great stories, feelings of great vibes—walking around the city a bit, but nothing comes after the first date. The aloof guy wants more value than the girl feels she can offer.
In other words, every human has their limits, especially women. Unlike the nice guy who wants everything a woman can give, the aloof guy wants beyond what the girl can give. The woman senses this and feels she doesn’t deserve him.
It is different from getting the girl to chase you, it is more like a form of miscalibration—one minute you are having fun and being wild, then you sit back and just get lazy, if you are lazy for too long, the energy dies in the relationship.
I have gone through this phase, along with many close friends. In my experience, I have had a girl say to me on a date “Oh my god, how do you date girls your age…. You have an ‘old soul’ you know?” And she will be saying all these deep things, but I never heard from her again. An amazing date, nothing after. I am 99% sure the energy just disappeared because in my head, I literally said “I have this girl under my thumb” and I just lost enthusiasm for her and I know girls can sense this.
At first this made no sense to me, I mean am I too high value for some of these girls? Don’t they want rock stars and celebrities like an addiction and want to chase, chase, chase? Well I am under the impression that I communicated to these girls “Your value isn’t good enough for me” (I can’t assume more than that).
Take the reverse as an example, you make real good friends with a super cool dude who has an amazing social circle and connections, you drink, party and have an amazing time in his circle. It turns out, this guy is a huge fan of USC, but you are a die hard UCLA fan. Since you guys are such good friends, it doesn’t really matter, but it is kind of a little bug in the code.
Next thing you find out he goes out to a steakhouse every Thursday night with all his friends, but you are a bleeding- heart vegetarian and won’t touch an animal and on and on. Basically what started out as an awesome friendship where the guy was the “cool kid and inviting you into his group” somehow it’s like you need to change many things about yourself to fit this circle. I feel this analogy exemplifies the above example. The idea is the aloof fella should not be communicating, “you are not good enough” ever, we need to look deeper into others and see the true gifts they could offer us and the world.
To clear another misconception—“raise your standards, if the girl isn’t high value enough, forget her!” Having high standards is true, however this does not mean expect nothing less than Aphrodite. This means do not put up with rude behavior and disrespect. We need to accept every person for who they are— this is so important.
So far we have seen the guy who wants everything a woman can give, and so he guilt trips her into getting it, The Nice Guy. Then the Jerk that not only wants but also takes directly and gives nothing back purposefully. Then the Aloof guy, who communicates, “You aren’t good enough for me” and lacks enthusiasm.
Notice I still haven’t given an example of a solid Real F****** Man. To make sure you fully understand what I will mean by it, please read on
So I have gone through the most common examples (the aloof guy is hard to spot, I notice a lot of guys go through this phase for a period and I feel it is mostly because they do not know exactly what they want). Remember, in the end this “game” is about fixing you, not learning how to mask shortcomings.
So one last reiteration of what value means—to have something another person wants. Now the trick! How do you give value!?
1. Giving Value
2. The RFM
3. Becoming a RFM 4. Checklist
What is the most mature, respectful, masculine and normal way to “give” this value/happiness? It is not throwing money at women like a monkey throwing feces. We aren’t going to be showering others with compliments expecting love back. We aren’t going to be doing people favors with the look in our eye that sex/acceptance is guaranteed.
The trick to value is to give what you feel she deserves without expecting anything back. I mean completely, utterly expecting zilch back (or as close to zero as possible). The only, only thing we get back is a good feeling in our tummy. That’s it. (As humans, we are designed to have some kind of expectance— we are not machines—but read on and I will reiterate this more after I make a few more points…) I know above I said all value is exchanged—this is very true and inevitable. Minimize the exchange, and only expect good vibes in return, nothing else. If you do not get good vibes, then it is a bad sign.
To make sure I am communicating this exactly as I intend, I want you to stop thinking and imagine a few things for a moment. Imagine you had everything you want: happiness, money, love, warmth, relationships—whether they be friendships, lovers, whatever. Now imagine being in a coffee shop writing a novel called “How to Live the Amazing Life I do” and you see a woman you find very attractive, wearing a styled shirt, striped with your favorite color. She then sits at the table near you and you say.
You say… You will say something (you are a social guy), but what do you say? You have ALL you want: happiness, love, wealthy, health—what do you say to this girl? Come on!
You may find yourself saying “Hey, I got to say that is an amazing shirt you got on, with my favorite color too! You rock!” Your eyes/face/body language would say, “I admire your style, I don’t want anything from you though, just sharing some good vibes”
Now stop imagining. We are going to imagine something new now. Imagine you are the guy who walks into the shop with a nice shirt, you sit near a girl and she says “Wow, you have an amazing shirt on!”—other than giving you that compliment, she just exudes a good vibe. She just wants to compliment you. Now, how do you feel? You better feel great or we got some other issues to work out!
That was too easy. Here is the real kicker. Imagine the girl was actually trying to sell you used soap bars (literally) so she opened up the conversation with you to compliment your shirt. You can see in her face and eyes that she just wants to sell you soap.
How does the compliment feel now? Where did the value/happiness go? Remember, she said the exact same words, but in her eyes and face you saw that she just wants your business. Think for a moment, where did the “Value” go, the happiness/warmth/blissful value? How did that change in the soap-selling example versus the genuine complimentary example?
Okay, I hope I have communicated my point accurately—if not, I know I planted the seeds so that maybe in a few months, or a year this will make perfect sense.
The Real F****** Man who has his life together gives value because he is sharing/offering the world his love. He compliments women, men, young, and old. He appreciates the blue skies, the yellow sun, the green grass, the food on his plate. (No, I am not saying he is the Dahli Llama, I am just saying he has all he ever wants and he is so happy he just loves the world). Every person, woman and man and animal are part of this world, and the Real F****** Man gives his love from the Heart to all.
So you could say in the value exchange model, the RFM gives his value in exchange with making the world (or the persons he is interacting with) have a better/happier time with him. On a date, the RFM may tell the girl some great stories, escalate tactfully without stepping on her bounds, and finds that many people love him. Think of Don Juan Demarko, even though he was troubled on many levels, he brought value to many women and what did he want in return? Perhaps just the good feeling of charity.
Ah, so now the question no longer is “How do I give value” the question is “How do I become the Real F****** Man”. Well that is part of the inner game journey but adopt the traits of the R.F.M. and it will help give you direction—it is easy to adopt the traits.
I want you to take a moment and think about how it feels to compliment someone. If you can, try to compliment someone right now, like your roommate, sibling, girlfriend, wife, or even call the last person who did you a favor, ask them how they are doing and mention in the conversation “By the way, I really have to say it was a great idea choosing to buy those posters <or whatever>, your room looks awesome man!” Change it around to fit the situation/your style. It is that simple.
Now that you have complimented someone, observe the effects on your body and mind. I speak for myself, when I compliment someone (or, give value without expecting anything back) I feel amazing in my body—my tummy tells me “Yeah! That felt good!” but my brain farts. My brain is like “uhh… now what… what do I get now” it is very weird, my brain wants me to be selfish but my body truly desires to be selfless.
In my personal opinion, we need to have our mind and bodies in synch—when we give someone else value without expecting anything in return except good vibes, we must feel good mentally and physically. I am under the impression that everyone feels good in their tummy when they do good, like charity, compliments, admiration. But some, and I imagine most community guys, mentally are not used to giving value without first taking. The equations in their brain needs a balance of value: the definition of selfish.
Becoming an RFM
The first step to become a RFM is to learn that there is no balance of value; you can give as much value as you want and not lose your happiness/well being/soul. And when I say value here, I do not mean money, I mean love. And when I say love, I do not mean like hippy shit, I mean giving people genuine, real appreciation in whatever form you see fit.
The only value you should desire is the feeling of happiness you get when you share your value with another person and/or the world (charity, compliments, love, appreciation, etc). Re-read that again. If you don’t believe me, imagine the opposite being true, a man who desires fame for his “giving” Think of most rock stars who give the world their talents in exchange for money and fame, don’t 99% of them end up depressed alcoholics and drug addicts.
In the way I see the world now, those rock stars are still only human and when they desire things other than the feeling of happiness they get from giving (i.e., desire drugs, sex, luxury) then they become co-dependent on it. They are dependent on something outside of themselves for happiness rather than seeking it within (just like the nice guy who expects love from the women he buys dinners for).
How to test if you are not giving value like a RFM:
- When you compliment someone, do you feel incongruence between your feelings and thoughts?
- One must learn to, as closely as possible, synch their thoughts and feelings in most situations.
- Thoughts and feelings == Mind and Body. This may mean you should think less and feel more to balance it out. When someone does a good thing for you, do you feel “Now I owe him/her something”
- Your feeling of deservedness should out weigh your feeling of compensation.
- You give your gift to the world, and the world gives back, so you don’t owe them anything. You deserve what is being given to you!
- Just smile, say thank you and love life!
- When someone does you wrong, depending on the degree, does it throw you off track for more than a few moments (like getting cut off in traffic, ripped off less than $10 on something, or not chosen in a dodge-ball game). Even though all these suck, do you let it “get” to you?
- Please know, this does not mean that you should allow others to walk on you and just laugh it off every time.
- It means that when misfortune does come your way, do you let it stay or do you move on and learn from it if possible.
Exercises in General:
- When you are in a conversation with someone, and they are doing/saying/wearing something interesting like a nose ring, unique shirt, hair style tell them something like “Hey, I gotta say, that nose ring looks cool! <move on>”
- When you say the compliment remember we are not expecting anything from them at all, we are just giving.o If the other person chooses to give back a “thank you” or whatever, awesome. But don’t care either way.
- Donate to some cause or charity (optional).
o The only thing you get back is a warm feeling of goodness for giving your value (in this case, money value) and sharing it with the world. o And also a tax-deductible receipt
- When you are hanging out with a friend, buy him/her the meal and if the friend says “no” or anything retracting, just say “Don’t worry bro, don’t even think about it” and switch topics. Then pay the bill without saying anything or skipping a beat.
o This is a hard one for me because I was sort of raised to be a bit miserly, but I notice that in my body I feel great when I do this
o In my brain, I am a bit like “oh no! money!” but logically I know some $15 meal isn’t going to set me back.
o If you are really poor, make the wise choice.
Exercises for meeting and interacting with women:
- Give a direct opener (You have amazing energy, or you look beautiful) and make sure that inside your brain you are not expecting anything at all, you are simply sharing your thoughts and you only want to just get to know her.
o Perhaps, completely clear your thoughts and just focus on the moment.
- Remember, synch your Mind and Body (Thoughts and Feelings)
o Also, this doesn’t have to be an opener. This can be with a girl you are already dating. Just say “Baby I gotta say, I feel so good around you” And in your brain, be clear. In your body, just feel.
- While in the middle of a conversation, give her a real compliment like “You have an awesome accent!”
You, the reader, I am not sure what you expected by reading this letter here—a bit Zen like? Look at most of the heroes in mythology, movies, and novels. Take Abbe Faria (The Priest) form Dumas’ “Count of Monte Cristo” the book or movie. Here is a guy who does not depend on material for his well being, he accepts the world for what it is and even helps out Edmond by teaching him sword fighting, economics, history, mathematics and much more. What does Faria expect in return? Just that feeling of goodness within himself—not gay sex and a foot massage. (Note: I have only seen the 2002 movie, if the book has a completely different description, oh well)
Okay Okay, snap back to reality. Although all these examples seem jumbled (at least to me) my goal is to drive a certain point: If you want to truly give value, it MUST come from within yourself and not expect anything in return except a good feeling within (this concept is related to a popular community dogma: Outcome Independence). I hope I proved this well enough. The new question is how does one get to the point where they truly do not expect anything in return. Aside from becoming a monk, understand that we are human and will always want something in return. We will always want to fuck the hot babe and she will know it on some level.
The idea is to desire the personal happiness you get from sharing your value/happiness (and giving good vibes) more than the desire to sleew with the girl.
Once you reach that point, congratulations! You are a Real F******Man!